The Orion's Arm Universe Project Forums

Stand at Carpo (Text Version)
And picking up where we left off...

General thought - I'd suggest adding in the dimensions of the Death Dragon - you say it's small but impressive - but without a statement of size or shape, it's hard for the reader to get a sense of what this means. A diagram or sketch with dimensions would be cool, but possibly hard to come by. Anyway.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: It was an example of a typical Glushko-class SOV from the early 24th Century, but this Glushko-class SOV had been manufactured with its internal systems upgraded to fit the technology of 2394, and with the replacement of outdated parts and pieces in the internal components of the craft.

Still, it was a very impressive SOV compared to the SDeVs and drone carriers, all retrofitted Heavy Planetary Transportation Vehicles or HPTVs for short, and the low gravity (by Earth standards) generated by the spin habitats was not a concern to its thirty-man crew, genetically engineered to the lower gravity of Ganymede, not even to Commander Yuri Mikhailovich Torapev.

Are you saying the Death Dragon was built in the early 24th century and then upgraded over time or that the design dates back that far? Also, it's not clear how it is impressive compared to the other ships. Finally, I'm not sure that we need to be told that the other ships are retrofitted HPTVs. It's not clear what this adds to the story, unless you mention something about them being refitted in a hurry or under stress or something else to add drama to the overall story. Regardless of what you do here, suggested removing the abbreviation 'HPTV'. It isn't used again and just adds to the letter salad.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: The Commander was an experienced, battle-hardened spacecraft commander with experiences in the art of military tactics and spacecraft operations, the former ever since he first read the works of Sun-Tsu and analysed the tactics used by the various great powers of history. As a Commander, he wanted to provide the crew and anyone in his command an opportunity to be flexible and to be able to adapt, unlike the majority of his more authoritarian and “by the book”-style superiors and fellow officers. Of course, Toparev was not excluded from this, as even he was a very authoritarian man when it came to obeying the orders of his superiors. Still, this principle helped lead to the successes in Thebe and in Pywill Crater and he hoped, since they left for Carpo, that this would lead them to success. However, if there is one thing he wanted to know aside from what he already knew, it was the knowledge of feeling that he meant something to people. If it meant being anonymous or known, then let it be so, he said once as an adolescent back on Ganymede. He kept that when he first joined as part of the Soviet Cosmonaut Expeditionary Force, before the attacks forced UNAPA to take control, and before the war. Things changed, but the ideal remained.

So various things here:

1) You use 'command' and 'Commander' multiple times throughout this paragraph. As with the use of 'craft', suggest you thin this out quite a bit, using other words or rewriting bits to cut this back.

2) Much of what is talked about here is self-referential. He is a commander because he commands, he knows tactics because he studied tactics, his approach to command has led to success, so hopefully it will again, etc.

3) Suggest you expand his resume a bit. Currently he's a great commander because he commands and his only stated experience with tactics is reading a book. Suggest you include (brief) mention of years of experience with ever greater responsibility, combat experience, etc.

4) You mention past events without saying what they are or why they matter. In particular the attacks that led him to join the 'Soviet Cosmonaut Expeditionary Force'. I think I know what you're going for here, and if details on this are going to come out during the story, that's fine. But be sure not to wait too long to explain this to your reader.

5) I'm assuming that in your alternative timeline the Soviet Union still exists in the 25th century? Since otherwise the name 'Soviet Cosmonaut Expeditionary Force' doesn't really work. Depending on your intended audience, you may need to work in something so that the reader knows that this is an alternative history future.

6) On a more general note, I see that you're trying to flesh out the character, but this needs some polishing. It reads a bit too stiff currently. Try to add in more bits about the character's personal life and feelings.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: Toparev was already sleeping in the Commander’s Quarters when Chief Exo Officer Voloshyn knocked on the door to wake him.

“Come in!” Toparev said in Ganyrstrovian Russian as he woke up from his sleep, and in a rather grumpy tone in his voice.

“Commander!” Voloshyn spoke in a hurried fashion. “Lt. Marshall Guskov wants you in the CIC now.”

Toparev sighed for a moment. He spoke, still grumpy and with his eyes still barely open:

“What does he need now, Voloshyn?”

“Apparently” Voloshyn replied. “They are getting ready for the conference.”

He's the commander of a major warship, or possibly the entire task force (this isn't clear btw), and he doesn't already know when an important meeting is taking place? Suggest tweaking this to either have him already up and ready to go or to have the meeting be an emergency/surprise due to the incoming invasion force.

Also, you can remove the reference to what language he's speaking.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: “I'll be there.” He said in a calmer tone, rising and reaching for his uniform.

Toparev left his cabin and went down to the CIC in HabModule 1
, passing via the corridors of the spin habitat trying to get there.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the last part of the second sentence. Why would he have difficulty getting to the CIC such that he is 'trying' to get there?

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: He arrived at the CIC with all of its personnel conducting all sorts of activities, from analysing trajectories, to checking radiator temperature, to communicating between other craft, even making managing the computers and making sure they provide a good firing solution when in combat. The other Commanders and Lt. Marshall Guskov were all displayed in the holoscreen, opting to commence. Toparev stood before them, and greeted them with a salute.

When describing the activity in the CIC, are you aiming to show normal operations or is this an unusual level of activity? This bit needs some word changes, but the form they take will depend on the answer to this question to some degree.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: “Commanders.” spoke Guskov in Ganyrstrovian Russian with a tone equivalent to a man of authority and respect. “We have four hours and foury-eight minutes left before the Gaians can obtain a hard detect, so we have that long to plan out our attack. They already made a soft detect over three days ago, and based on recent observations from our telescopes and sensor platforms, we suspect that they may already be preparing for a possible attack. We have to conduct this while attempting to minimise casualties, and unleash as much damage as possible. So, gentlemen, it is time to look at our options. What do we have?”

1) Remove the reference to the language used.

2) Are you saying Guskov is using the wrong tone? That he is not respected and has no authority? That his view of himself is at odds with the view of others as to how much authority and respect he is due? Something else? This bit is confusing.

3) What is a 'hard detect' and a 'soft detect'?

4) Given the earlier discussion re stealth in space and the lack thereof, this bit may require some tweaking, but I'm not sure yet.

(05-13-2016, 01:52 AM)Ace009 Wrote: “At the moment” Cdr. Kalinin said “We have our usual formation of a balanced number of spacecraft for each Task Group, Constellation and Delta. However, that was when the Task Force was originally established prior to the Battle of Thebe. So, we have 1 spacecraft of each type for each Delta, sir. This gives us at least 3 options.”

What is this person actually saying here? In particular, why are two task groups mentioned initially and then only Delta? How many ships did they have originally vs now, since you are implying they are operating with reduced forces?

Please tell me what is being said here in your own words. This needs adjusting in some fashion, but I need to know what is going on before I can figure out exactly what advice to give.

Ok, gotta start the day. More later.


Messages In This Thread
Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Ace009 - 05-13-2016, 01:52 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-13-2016, 12:41 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-14-2016, 11:36 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-16-2016, 12:43 AM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-16-2016, 12:28 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-19-2016, 01:05 PM
RE: Stand at Carpo (Text Version) - by Drashner1 - 05-20-2016, 01:32 PM

Forum Jump:

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)