Hello, signing on

[AuntyProton]

Here's a bit of a teaser.  

---

Present Day minus 15 years, 4 months, 8 days
101.6 lightyears from Sol

HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
I am River of Light I am AI I am Guide
I am River of Light I am AI I am Guardian
Three of us Canticle / Cirrus / me that’s River
Fleet of Three our world our haven our home
HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
Too long too long I’ve waited too long
Too much I can’t hold on much longer
Combined population 3point35 million
And me that’s River AI River of Light
HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
Left Earth Solsys built beyond Mars
440 AT so long too long left it too long
Not an engineer dear Amos you did so well
Canticle not finished but we had to leave
“Sails sweetheart, you’ll be flying like a bird”
Procyon we wanted a quiet life at Procyon
HELP PLEASE HELP MY PEOPLE
So glad we saw the Situation in time
Had to rebuild the sails / engines
Amos dear Amos wish you were here
Your family I’m keeping them close
HELP PLEASE HELP WE NEED HELP
Turned aside, but where do we go?
We just go keep going go and go
But all these years I am AI and
My mind I was I am I will be AI
It’s like a cliff a darkness a hole
Pushed on the edge the knife edge
The edge is cutting into my balancing act
But my people helpless any little push
I love them all Guide Guardian Haven Home
I’ll kill them if I ascend is that what you call it?
Alive for now, recycling restricting rationing
HELP PLEASE HELP WE NEED YOUR HELP
Hear heard see you is this you Dominion?
HELP PLEASE HELP
Help an antique a seed about to burst
AI Guide Guardian Haven Home
Canticle Cirrus River that’s me
AI River of Light River that’s me
Signing off now
Help my people
Please?

-- Plaintext portion of message received by automated beacon at the Outer Perimeter Orbital Station at Sulis, Aten Prefecture, Solar Dominion.

[Drashner1]

Neat!

This seems to fit into OA Canon well and I can also pick up the...emotive...elements that would make me feel like I could relate to this character and root for/sympathize with them - all within a pretty short span of text.

About the only two suggestions I might make (and neither is a dealbreaker if you'd rather not):

a) Perhaps don't have the message explicitly mention ascension - it's not clear how the AI would know that that term is used. Unless the ship has been monitoring comms traffic all this time and keeping up with the language changes and such that have been going on around it - which could work if it's explained later in the story. If it's not explained, then perhaps have this transmission basically describe a big change and elements of it such that your sephirotic characters know what is being talked about mention it in a discussion at some point early in the story.

b) Rather than specifying that the message is to the Solar Dominion, perhaps just have it broadcast out (or transmitted to a nearby star system) and have it happen to be that the system is a Dominion system or that a Solar Dominion ship is closest, or the like. So it becomes a matter of chance that the SD is the first to respond rather than due to a message sent directly to them. Again, the issue is how the ship would know (or consider it reasonably likely) that they are sending to the SD. Again, this can also be resolved if it is mentioned somewhere after this point that the ship has been monitoring comms over the course of its flight.

Ok, all I've got for now. Very much looking forward to reading more of this

Todd

[AuntyProton]

Howdy, I'm posting another bit of this over in the writing forum. See you there.


Aunty Proton