07-28-2017, 03:13 AM (This post was last modified: 07-28-2017, 03:14 AM by selden.)
I was just thinking that titles help people to remember where they've left off.
If they wind up on separate pages, it'd be nice if they at least had some header like
"backstory part N" or the like, whatever corresponds to the links to them, so people can find their way back after being interrupted.
I'm all for keeping the present tense, given it's not an EG article. But one thing that did jump out at me during the initial read through was the style. We seem to lurch from history-lecturer on page 1 to poet on page 3, and it's a litter jarring.
I'm also not sure what's going on with the first bit of a timeline appearing on page 1. It implies a chronological account, but then doesn't appear again in the next few pages.
(07-28-2017, 03:13 AM)selden Wrote: I was just thinking that titles help people to remember where they've left off.
If they wind up on separate pages, it'd be nice if they at least had some header like
"backstory part N" or the like, whatever corresponds to the links to them, so people can find their way back after being interrupted.
Ah - Ok. The Backstory 'widget' doesn't have the ability to change the title page by page AFAIK. But we can readily put titles in the text itself. We can play around with this, either as part of the mock-up, or once the body of the revised backstory is up.
(07-28-2017, 03:39 AM)Liam Wrote: I'm all for keeping the present tense, given it's not an EG article. But one thing that did jump out at me during the initial read through was the style. We seem to lurch from history-lecturer on page 1 to poet on page 3, and it's a litter jarring.
I'm also not sure what's going on with the first bit of a timeline appearing on page 1. It implies a chronological account, but then doesn't appear again in the next few pages.
Heh. Poet huh? I've been called a lot of things, but never that
More seriously, the full text that I'm working from, including for page 3 is located here. I'm pretty much just doing a straight lift-n-shift because the text was readily available. We can certainly make adjustments to the text, or replace it entirely, if that's what folks would like to do.
If you (or anyone really) would like to suggest alternative text for any of the pages, please post it here and we can discuss.
The timeline bit is excerpted from the OA Primer. As part of this redesign, I'm essentially combining the Illustrated Backstory and the OA Primer into a single thing. To do that I'm folding parts of the Primer into the Backstory pages, with the results you're seeing here. My goal is to present as much of the Primer as a I can in a format that is a bit less 'giant walls of text'.
Looking at it again, I think I'll replace that bit of timeline with the section of the Primer that talks about the AT dating system. In an upcoming part, I'm planning to put in the section of the Primer about the physical scale of the OA setting.
Overall, the layout looks good to me. A few details bother me some.
pdf #1:
Reducing the strength of "radical" in the definition of "Tweak" would improve it. A tweek is usually considered to be a minor change to optimize something. Calling it "radical" is rather disconcerting. Its use also suggests that the process is somewhat difficult, which is no longer the case in Y11K.
Also, "environmental" and "aptitude" are not contrasting.
Tweak: Generally, a human who has been radically modified for
environmental or aptitude purposes. Also used to designate any
Terragen organism who has been so radically modified for environmental
or aptitude purposes.
might be better as
Tweak: Generally, a human who has been modified physically or
mentally, whether for environmental or personal reasons. Also used to
designate any Terragen organism who has been so modified.
========================
pdf #6: Some of the sentences in the introduction are overly convoluted. Trying to make sense of the usage of their commas distracts from comprehending the information.
In the Current Era, ten thousand years and more after its first
tentative steps on now, Terragen civilization stands upon a
pinnacle. The Archai, the products of Singularities, cybernetic
god-like beings with brains larger than worlds and thoughts the
heavens, have forged a civilization unlike any seen before. Subtly
controlled vital part of, these vast intellects, humans and other
Terragens thrive across thousands light-years of space and centuries
of time. Entire worlds and solar systems are rearranged, or utterly
destroyed, sometimes by devices far too small to see.
might be better as
After ten thousand years, Terragen civilization of the Current Era
stands upon a pinnacle. The Archai have forged a culture
unlike any seen before. The products of Singularities, they are
cybernetic god-like beings with brains larger than worlds and thoughts
as vast as the heavens. A subtly controlled yet vital part of
these vast intellects, humans and other Terragens now thrive across
thousands light-years of space and centuries of time. Entire worlds
and solar systems are rearranged or utterly destroyed, sometimes by
devices far too small to see.
===================
pdf #8
"Hypothetic" --> "Hypothetical"
Inhibitor: Hypothetic super-powerful alien race or races proposed to
explain why most advanced civilizations fail after only a few tens of
thousands to a few millions of years.
might be better as
Inhibitor: Hypothetical super-powerful alien race or races proposed to
explain why most advanced civilizations fail after only a few tens of
thousands to a few millions of years.
===
civ is still spreading, and is not yet throughout, so change
Xenosophonts
As Terragen civilization spread throughout the galaxy, it encountered
both living aliens and the remains of extinct alien cultures.
to
Xenosophonts
As Terragen civilization has spread out into the galaxy, it has encountered
both living aliens and the remains of extinct alien cultures.
===
The Hildemar's Knots: These beings consist of knots of the vortex and
charge tubes in the neutronium mantle of neutron stars; they are only
a few centimetres across. Successful communication with them is rare,
since they regard the universe outside their environment merely as an
abstract mathematical problem.
might include an explicit mention of the contradiction:
If they consider the outside to be abstract, how is it that they're on
multiple stars?
So, here's the final two pages of the revised Backstory.
As before, comments, critiques, and suggested changes are all welcome.
I'm going to be focusing on re-establishing the former V:FT stories back on the website for the next week or two, but will pick this back up when done and get the revised pages set up on the site. Will adjust the wording along the lines of what has been discussed so far as part of that.
