Stand at Carpo (Text Version)

[Drashner1]

Round Three....

“And those are?” asked Guskov, wondering at what his proposal might bring of use to Task Force 12.

This sentence isn't quite correct, grammatically. I assume you mean that Guskov is wondering if Kalinin's proposal will be useful to the Task Force. If so, the wording needs a bit of adjustment. I'd actually suggest removing the bit about what Guskov is wondering.

“Option #1 would be to launch the drones at a precise point along our approach before the battle, and when we engage, strike the Gaians from behind as we conduct a return trajectory to Ganymede, use the drones to inflict heavy casualties and then finish them off. Option #2 would be to fire our coilguns at a precise point similar to option #1 and use the slugs as “mines” and then launch the drones around a similar precise point, and use them as an advance. This will limit their capability to manoeuvre and if the drones are lucky, will leave them in tatters. Option #3 will involve approaching from behind Carpo, as depicted in Option #1, but the option is also a risky one. In the second option, depending on our distance, our computer systems may not give a firing solution in an efficient manner, and the drones may be stopped in their tracks by enemy SDeVs in most options.”

Suggest breaking up the options so that each has its own paragraph. This will make them easier to read.

Also, Option 3 mentions Option 1, but it's not clear what the connection is. The strategies described in each option seem to be rather different.

As mentioned in our earlier discussion, it's not clear what a 'firing solution' is or why it would be needed, given advances in computer hardware and software and the use of heat sensors and such to let attacking drones home in on their targets. This may be an area to discuss with the OA forum on general principles if you need help figuring out how this might work.

Finally, it's not really clear how such a small moon as Carpo would be sufficient to hide the fleet for any length of time, especially since the incoming UN forces can see the ships long before they get to Carpo, especially if they are using a continuous boost (brachistochrone) method to reach it.

“So.” said Guskov. “I am looking at 3 options, all with a certain probability of failure. If we conduct the first two options, we get detected early, and the third option may involve getting close.”

“So, it is either get detected early…” said Cdr. Lazarev.

“......Or attempt a suicide run.” Toparev spoke as he interrupted and finished his fellow officer’s statement.

It's not really clear that 'getting close' = 'suicide run' from this brief exchange. It also feels a little repetitive in that Guskov states the issues (early detection or getting close) and then Lazarev and Toparev essentially repeat it, or start to.

Suggest expanding on or explaining this a bit more so it is clearer to the reader why Option 3 = suicide mission, while the other two options do not.

“Yes” Kalinin said darkly. He then continued in a more formal tone. “So, Lt. Marshall? Do we risk early detection in one of two ways or attempt a suicide run? Pick your poison.” Guskov sat in silence with a pensive scowl, as the officers waited with disciplined patience as the old (by Ganymedean standards), but battle-hardened master tactician formulated his plan.

What does being old 'by Ganymedean standards' actually mean? Do Ganymedeans have shorter lifespans than people from elsewhere in the solar system? If so, why?

“I have considered all the options”. He spoke after three minutes. “Despite the high risk, we will take the final option, but only because of three reasons: one, this mission needs to maintain the element of surprise until the last minute, two, our computer systems would have to be at the outer limits of our range to get a firing solution, and three, this option gives room to improvise.”

It's not really clear or explained how Option 3 solves any of these issues or has any of these features more than the other two options listed.

“Lt. Marshall” spoke Cdr. Abdulov in a concerned, but respectful, tone, “I would advise against this decision. You mentioned at the beginning of this conference that you wanted ‘minimal casualties’, yet you accept a plan that could lead to a massacre for not only the Gaians (assuming this risky manoeuvre works), but for us as well. If this manoeuvre works or fails, it would reduce us to either 1 SDV or none at all, depending on success.”

The last sentence here doesn't seem to have any connection to the rest of the discussion. How is this option going to result in this outcome regardless of whether it succeeds or fails?

“Commander” spoke Toparev in an attempt to counter his argument, with a base in superior combat experience as per the Battle of Thebe and the Siege of Pywill Crater on Europa. “With all due respect, it is either this or risk losing our drones to 4 SDeVs, and have the Gaians expecting an attack. It also has room to improve, as per Lt. Marshall Guskov’s mentioned reasons. So, I could support this, with a partial implementation of Option #2 in an optimistic scenario.”

Since the reader doesn't know much of anything about these two prior battles, using them as justification for Toparev's superior combat experience is very much an informed ability. We're told about it rather than shown. What did Toparev do at these battles to make us think his judgement is superior to this other person's? Speaking of which, what combat experience does the other person have for comparison.

Also, how does Toparev know that they will be facing '4 SDeVs'? Unless I missed it, to this point, we've heard nothing about the size of the UN force.

The rest of the Commanders agreed, with the sole exception of Tomenko, who supported Abdulov’s argument, and the decision was made: Option 3 would be implemented, but in an optimistic scenario, the partial implementation of Option 2 would be conducted. Whether they lived or died was now up to them.

***

Lt. Cdr. Alexandra Solomon Reed was supervising one of the habitation nodules onboard the UNSDV Beowulf, when the rebel Task Force entered the identification phase and she was called to the CIC. She rushed as fast as she could to HabModule 1, and to the CIC. Vice Marshall Ramirez and Cdr. Schneider were already waiting when Solomon Reed got there.

“Well, Marshall?” She spoke in a rather hurried tone. “Is it confirmed?”

“Yes” said Vice Marshall Ramirez in an accented English in a calm but informative tone in his voice. “Turns out, it is worse than we initially expected.”

“What!?” she snapped immediately. “What exactly am I looking at in their composition?”

“Apparently, six SDVs, two of each type.” said Schneider in German. “Remember Thebe?”

“Yes, I remember” she replied in German, unconcerned initially. “What about it?” Schneider displayed the ship types on the CIC’s tactical information display, along with all the data about them. Reed’s face turned blank, and then began to display worry.

“Task Force 12” Reed said darkly. “Shit….they were twelve of those SDVs in my previous confrontation. I see they haven’t fully recovered.”

“Well, whatever it is worth, we better get ready.” spoke Schneider in German, attempting to be cautious.

“Agreed” spoke Ramirez. He then muttered in Spanish: “If we fail….God help us all.”

***

Various things here:

1) Suggest dropping the mentions of the characters speaking in different languages. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it.

2) What is Solomon Reed actually doing when supervising the habitation 'nodule'?

3) The conversation here has various issues:

a) Suggest dropping mention of SR speaking 'in a rather hurried tone'

b) What is confirmed, and how can something be confirmed and worse than expected at the same time?

c) How does Task Force 12, which is apparently down to something like half-strength, qualify as being 'worse than expected'?

d) Earlier you made a big deal out of the TF-12 being undetected as a key part of their strategy. Yet now the UN forces are shown detecting them. How does this work?

e) Couldn't Solomon-Reed look at a display to see what kind of force they are facing rather than having another person tell her about it?

f) Why are these characters acting as if their death/defeat is a foregone conclusion well before the battle has even started?

Toparev had entered the CIC when they the UNAPA Task Force started passing Carpo on their approach, as per the optimistic scenario planned 5 days ago, in the nick of time. They had only to approach from a certain angle, and once they are within range of the targeting computers, open fire. So, he and the rest are ready. He turned to Comm-Lt. Davidenko.

These two sentences are both too long. You need to break them up into smaller chunks.

Also, you switch tenses about 3-4 times here.

How can a scenario planned 5 days previously be 'in the nick of time'?

IIRC near the beginning of the story you have a statement about the UN arriving in 9 days or it taking 9 days for the task force to get where it's going or something. Did they not start planning until 4 days into the trip?

After all the buildup about this being a likely suicide mission, the statements here seem like rather an understatement.

Ok, going to call it for today. More later,

Todd