Glarion: The Glorious Conqueror

Glarion the Glorious Conqueror
Image from Steve Bowers

Glarion the Glorious Conqueror (10339 AT) is, without doubt, the most widely known motion picture in the history of Tylansian entertainment. Indeed, millions of nearbaseline humans, splices, rianths and provolves throughout the Sephirotics and surrounding polities - all dwelling in ultratech civilizations vastly more advanced than Tylansia itself - view this film religiously on a frequent basis at physical gatherings or in virch spaces. Many of these fans dress up as heroes and villains from the movie and quote (translated) lines (or, in the case of virtuals, assume their appearance and behaviour completely). The reasons for the popularity of this motion picture are shockingly simple:

1: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a perfect textbook example of the psychological and socio-political landscape of Tylansia and similar middletech dictatorships.

2: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a perfect textbook example of the type of blatant, unsubtle propaganda used by Tylansia and similar middletech dictatorships.

3: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a perfect textbook example of the utmost extremes of the "Plucky Baseline Syndrome".

4: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror is a perfect textbook example of how ignorant and uneducated the majority of Tylansians are regarding the true nature of the "outside" galaxy, and how the Tylansian government, ruling class and big business would take advantage of this for political points and monetary gain.

5: Glarion the Glorious Conqueror generally takes itself rather seriously; but to those living in more advanced cultures, it is absolutely hilarious.

Among other things, Glarion is famous for its original promotional poster, which depicts five mammal splices (or "beast-heads" as they are known in Tylansia) impaled bloodily upon a fighter plane's long metal nose-pike, which juts out from between the legs of the muscular baseline hero of the title. Above Glarion, in the starlit sky, a fleet of flying saucers hover menacingly, and a giant brain looms ominously in the background.

Plot Synopsis:

On the planet Tylansia - where the sun shines in a clear sky and everyone walks the streets hand-in-hand with a smile of radiant happiness - the government is declaring war on the Sephirotic Metaempire. The reasons for this war are not given (there is mention of the "Sephirotic peoples" hedonistic immorality and blasphemous worship of AI Gods, which the government reassures do not exist). Nonetheless, the ultratech "fans" watching this movie are supposed to whoop and cheer at this declaration, for this is an imitation of what a Tylansian audience does (without irony).

Hundreds of fusion missiles are launched into space (to the rousing orchestral tunes of the Tylansian Planetary Anthem "Quail and Tremble Before the Leader's Mighty Manhood"), all aimed at specific points throughout the Sephirotic Metaempire. As fireballs light up the night sky and Tylansians on the ground cheer and dance in celebration (while often imitated and parodied by an ultratech audience), the viewer is expected to believe that the chemically-propelled missiles have somehow traversed thousands of light years in a matter of minutes, and destroyed inhabited regions hundreds of light years across with each fireball. Again, the propagandists behind this movie have complete faith in the audience's total lack of scientific and astronomical education.

With the Sephirotic Menace vanquished and Tylansia in its rightful place at the pinnacle of the universe, everything seems peaceful … until a fleet of flying saucers appear in the sky, casting their ominous shadows throughout the clean and pure cities of Tylansia. The saucers land, the doors open, the ramps extend to the ground, and walking down these ramps are the hideous forms - - of thousands of beast-heads!!!!

(At this point, the humans in the ultratech audience scream and flail in mock panic while the non-humans imitate the sinister roars and cackles of the onscreen beast-heads).

The Tylansians (in the movie) scream and scatter in sheer terror as the beast-heads shoot (mysteriously slow) laser beams everywhere. Innocent Tylansians drop dead in droves, while Tylansian children are stuffed into cages and carried on the back of an unusually mangy, ugly-looking Siberoo.

After a few minutes of loud, CGI-enhanced terror, the beast-heads return to their flying saucers (complete with their livestock of Tylansian children) and take off into outer space.

An alert is issued throughout Tylansia as news spreads about this horrific, "unprovoked" attack. Squadrons of fighter planes are deployed, led by the blond-haired, blue-eyed, "V"-torsoed, bulging-crotched Captain Glarion, the epitome of Tylansian manhood.

(The audience cheers and sings the Tylansian Planetary Anthem "Quail and Tremble Before the Leader's Mighty Manhood").

Glarion leads the obviously jet-propelled atmospheric aircraft into outer space, where they encounter hundreds of Sephirotic beast-head saucers. A huge and spectacular space battle ensues, with the mighty Tylansian fighter planes destroying the enemy saucers one-by-one with minimal casualties.

On board the beast-head mothership, some rather fierce-looking felinoids are preparing a feast. In the corner of a huge, dirty, industrial-tech kitchen is a wooden cage filled with terrified Tylansian children. A tiger-headed chef (complete with white apron and puffy hat) taunts and cackles at the children, sharpening his instruments and saying what a lovely stew they would make. (Here the audience boos and hisses, for this scene confirms Tylansian suspicions that all beast-heads are evil barbarians and deserve to die).

"You're not having supper tonight, bad kitty," says a mysterious voice offscreen. The tiger-chef turns and gasps in horror as he faces Captain Glarion standing heroically with his hands on his hips. Glarion then knocks out the tiger-chef with one punch. He rampages throughout the kitchen, defeating beast-heads much larger than he is with his bare fists. An alarm is sounded, and two single-file rows of beast-head soldiers march down the dining hall carrying large rifles. Glarion jumps onto a chandelier and swings forward, knocking down both rows of beast-heads as they fall like dominoes. He kills a massively-built, mangy, table-throwing Siberoo twice his height by punching its nose and sticking a dining fork in its ear. He then frees the grateful children and returns to his fighter plane.

(What happens to the children following their liberation is unclear, and one of the film's many plot-holes).

While only halfway back to Tylansia, Glarion receives an urgent radio transmission from headquarters. Tylansian military intelligence has detected something huge approaching Tylansia. It seems that one of the archailects has survived after all! It is identified as Damnos, Archailect of Death; and the point-of-view cuts to a colossal form that resembles a human brain the size of a planet.

While other fighter pilots mutter to each other in alarm, Glarion decides to take the ultimate risk. His expression stern, his heroic voice lowering an octave, he turns his plane around and heads straight for the giant brain heading for his beloved planet Tylansia. On his way to the ultimate enemy, Glarion receives a mysterious transmission. Damnos the Archailect of Death is speaking to him directly! The evil god's voice is deep and oily, and cackles with lofty contempt. It states that Tylansia has proven to be a threat too great to ignore, and must be removed from the universe so that a bold new archailect empire can be established. Glarion states that "shall never be so", for Tylansians are the Supreme Culture of the entire universe, and no giant brains - no matter how powerful or evil - shall stand in their way.

As Glarion's fighter screams through the vacuum towards the Archailect of Death, his intentions suddenly become clear. The Archailect has not anticipated this courageous human act of self-sacrifice! In terror and despair, the Archailect cries: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" before Glarion ejects from the cockpit and the fighter plane crashes into the giant brain, destroying it in a glorious fireball that is seen all the way to Tylansia.

Glarion is then seen descending through the vacuum of space under a giant parachute. His ever-grateful fellow pilots catch up with him. In the next scene, he is paraded through the streets of Tylansia's capital as millions of adoring citizens cheer him and sing his praises.

Cultural Response

With Glarion the Glorious Conqueror, it is clear that Tylansia blew its chance to be taken seriously by the rest of the galaxy as a cultural force to be reckoned with. Instead, the overwhelming silliness of this movie has provided a source of mirth and amusement for sapients of thousands of clades throughout the Civilized Galaxy.

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Development Notes
Text by Darren Ryding
Initially published on 24 February 2006.